Like today, which turns out to be a perfect day for slumming around the house in my pjs and doing nothing particularly exciting, except to think too much and too long about life. I read the Econ case ahead of time. Not sure it's going to do me that much good, but at least, if I stay on top of it, it will allow me some time to process things slowly and carefully, which seems to be advantageous.
But a little moodiness comes with fall. Not that I mind; a little meloncholy can be a comforting thing. I do need to disrupt this mood today to leave the house at some point; I need to drop off the garbage and pick up some groceries. This requires getting dressed and, at minimum, throwing my hair back into a bun. That is, unless someone feels compelled to bring me some decaf coffee grounds and some half-n-half, both of which are practically depleted. Somehow, I'm not counting on that.
But the weather is nice and chilly. Good for sitting out on the deck and staring at the last of the brightly-colored leaves, until a gust of wind knocks some of them from their perches and they drift down in showers. How many gusts are left before the trees are bare, and the forest turns brown for the next several months? Still, it's a good day for sitting on the deck. Good, if cuddled up in a hoodie and under a blanket, with a warm cup of coffee and something to read or knit on my lap.
I'm wanting to knit a poncho -- I have a book of patterns I bought a couple years ago, before I learned to knit; an impulse buy, a purchase of wistful thinking, something to wish I could do. Well, thanks to a car that wouldn't start one day last February, I ended up stranded at a coffee house near a friend's house, and she kindly stopped by to teach me how to knit.
As I get older, I feel more and more drawn to clothing that simulates, to a certain extent, a warm hug. Less about the revealing clothing, radical hair colors, piercings. Am I old? I'll be 30 by the time I graduate. Sure, I'm still a puppy. Sure, I'd still like to get a second tattoo. But certain things associated with twenty-somethings I'm already growing weary of -- the wild parties, socializing at bars, flirting with the random, attractive man. Now I spend many weekends hanging out in my pjs until four in the afternoon, sipping decaf, knitting, and cuddling my cat. Trying to keep certain things of the outside world explicitly outside my life. The whole "been there, done that" mentality. I understand the beauty of self-discipline, even if I have yet to master it.
I think a lot about the next five years, the next ten, and what they will bring. My father is retiring this January. My brother got married last year; I was a bridesmaid. (I would have preferred to have avoided that role, but sisterly duties trump my own preferences, I suppose). My good friend jokes (?) with her boyfriend that 2009 is the year they have a child. And I'm getting awfully tired of answering to a landlord. For me, I think, because of grad school, it's going to be a long time before I catch up with some of my peers. I'll certainly still be renting in two years, among other things. I met a girl yesterday who is an unqualified (my own judgment) E.D. of a nonprofit, who is already married, and who has not yet finished her undergrad degree. She's moving so fast through life, I'm convinced she's going to crash. I feel lucky in some ways that my only concerns right now are finishing my chores and doing well on assignments. That seems a lot easier than dealing with a child or marriage, or running a business, or hell, divorce, or an affair. Still, life plods forward for me as for everyone, and on through the thirties, the forties, and farther, on towards death... and there's no point resisting because childhood (though not necessarily childlikeness) is already over. What, of that, can I still redeem?
3 comments:
I love this post.
Wish you were here to cast some of your sunny outlook on the sadness that winter brings on me. I feel doomed with the time change tomorrow.
I don't think 2009 will be the year of the baby. I'll explain some other time.
I cut my hair off.
Don't get hair cuts when feeling blue. Just a tip.
i envy you for having a porch!!!! miss the american way of building houses, particularly porches. it is such a great place: close enough to the house--that is the kitchen to run inside for some more tea or coffee or the closets if another sweater is needed- but almost outside including a breeze and fresh air!
i read the other day that being outside actually helps your body to deal with the change of seasons and the lack of light in fall and winter. i am determined to try and spent a lot of time outside and see if it works and helps to fight my winter depression. i could use anthter trip around the world, some place warm!
Hmm, I can relate. I admit feeling very hostile toward people who are younger than me and are married with kids and a house. I tell myself that I will be able to do many things in life that they won't be able to, and I can have all that stuff later, to boot!
Lies, all lies...
In the meantime, I won't be able to purchase my own home until I am in my early thirties, and I am sick of being stuck here now (with T-minus 5 years until I can get a "real" job).
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